Et in Arcadia ego

For some odd reason I’m feeling decidedly unapologetic about nearly everything lately.  I seem to be walking around with a chip upon my shoulder, daring providence to touch it. Maybe it’s just the unauthorized med change but lately I feel the sort of fearlessness that I used to feel in youth. I had an inkling then, even back then, after reading Brideshead Revisited at school, that I’d somehow end up like the Charles Ryder character.  How does he describe himself at the end?  -homeless, childless, middle-aged and loveless (?).  It went something like that anyway- I misplaced the book years ago.  Like him in the end, I’ve been feeling somewhat at peace with the world lately and I can’t really attribute it to any single life event.  I don’t mind things I suppose, and maybe that’s the secret; stay calm-in the end it just doesn’t matter anyway. I’m feeling fairly settled in for the fall and winter and am enjoying the autumnal colors. I love the fall.  I can remember as a young man riding my bike through a rich canopy of leaves and being dazzled by the sunlight.  I’ve been having mostly happy memories from the long past coming to the forefront of my mind lately, which is a happy thing, I think you’ll agree.  I am glad to feel something good after a few weeks of feeling decidedly unsure of myself.  It turns out that I’m doing well in all of my courses, so I can feel reasonably good about my progress and start feeling relatively secure about coming to the end of the term.  There are other things to look forward to this fall. Now that soccer season is going to be over soon, I am going to be spending my Thursday evenings with my little man, reading him stories and getting him ready for bedtime- two of my favorite fatherly things that I have been sorely missing during this sports season. It feels so good to get out of every sports season; it’s always disruptive to my schedule with Ben.  I have gone down to 150 mgs. of Wellbutrin- down from 450 at my peak, and I have really had no symptoms of depression or suicidal thoughts for the most part.  In fact, I’m getting far better sleep and am actually thinking more clearly.  It seems that I’m less anxious too, which I imagine is another pleasant byproduct of my reduction.  I am appreciating life on a level that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  Maybe it’s not the meds; perhaps I’ve changed in some imperceptible way, and maybe am just realizing what things are real priorities.  Am I in Arcadia?  No; my days in Arcadia, if they ever existed, are gone.  My body is squarely in Maryland, but part of my mind has gone there. I’m tasting life in it’s essence and am beginning to appreciate the small things, like the beauty of human frailty.