This fall is just getting more and more confusing and unsettled. I am beginning to realize just how foolishly blind I have been to the ways of the world. This mainly is because of my apparent myopia to the treachery of my ex wife. Just what the hell was I thinking buying her flowers and giving her money? I just recently learned that early last year, just days before I was admitted to the hospital for bipolar psychosis, she had tried to have me charged with domestic abuse ! This was at a time when I was so depressed that I could barely move or even communicate. The complaint was dismissed thankfully , with the notation that there was “no reasonable cause to believe that abuse had occurred”. -But the very idea!-ME!- A sensitive writer and artist who has never struck anyone in anger ever! Absolutely amazing! (I never even raise my voice to anyone.) But the idea that she actually had the audacity to lie in order to try to get me removed from my home! It’s become crystal clear that she’s a complete liar and a schemer and I don’t know just how naive I could have been to think that she was anything but. I’m like Saul on the road to Damascus; I’m finally understanding things for what they are and it’s really heartbreaking. I really wish I hadn’t found out and remained ignorant of just how dark the heart of evil can be. I wish that I could be at peace with the world again, or at least the part of it that she occupies. I am going to do my very best to try to be civil and not let on that I have learned about this. I think it’s the best way, really. I’d like to forgive and hopefully forget. Enough about that; it makes my head hurt just to think about it. My classes are going reasonably well and I’m feeling fairly confident about most all of my work. The photography class remains a thorn in my side though; lots of work, most of it shooting. I don’t know just what I had thought a course in photography would be, but somehow not this.
I’ve recently been reflecting on just how little writing (none) I have gotten done in the past months. I have, though, compiled a hell of a long list of story ideas and thoughts on plots and whole sentences that sound good to the ear. I am just narrowly escaping the other end of my illness- mania, by taking fewer Wellbutrin. All of this is done of course without my shrink’s knowledge. If I had to rely upon him for every mood swing, we’d be on the phone perpetually. Mania can be no fun when you have responsibilities; living on two or three (or no) hours of sleep can drag you down eventually, and I already have a sinus infection, so it’s about the last thing I need right now. I feel that if I fail at school or at any of my other responsibilities my life will quickly implode, leaving a little Hiroshima-like mushroom cloud behind where I used to be. It’s irrational, but like many of my bipolar thoughts and prejudices, it’s true enough for me to be afraid of it. I do have to get school under control and get back to the writing though; it’s really the only thing I want for the future. I think the ad agency was just a whimsey. I think about that as I send things out in their neat manila envelopes to literary journals: maybe the time is now and I just need to concentrate on the one true thing that I really can do well.
Hi J.C. So sorry for your pain. I, too, often lay weeping and trembling at the mercy of those who would exploit my illness, using it to try and convince others (even my own child) that I am something I am not, all the while denying and cleverly disguising their own malicious nature. I wish I could overcome my fear – since it keeps me from becoming who I’m meant to be, which is, in part, a person who would far outshine the narrow accusations of others. I feel the means for me to become that person is through creative endeavors, but I am so far from becoming seriously focused on such things. Anyways, thanks for the encouragement through sharing your experience.
I really like your paintings, the colours and your great painterly style are very enjoyable.
I have recently been diagnosed as having Schizoaffective- bipolar type. It is very helpful to find others with similar experiences.
Thank you. Your work is wonderful as well. Bipolar/ schizoaffective disorder is really difficult to live with, as you well know, and art helps me deal with some of what I’m feeling. As a fellow “consumer” I wish you all the best with your recovery.