School’s Open

I’m so glad to be in school once again. Structure is comforting.  Though now I’m a little worried over a digital photography class I have taken. I was hoping it would be a breeze, but it turns out to be more work and far more reading than I can comfortably do.  My only consolation is that I do have all of the programs he’s using, so I can do a dry run before we do it in class. I suppose it’ll work out. The mountains look blue now- that’s a great sign- there’s a nice fall nip in the morning air that lends itself to optimism. You could say that besides shuttling my daughter back and forth to school, I am halfway free of care.  Why is it that I feel that I am better able to write now that the weather is turning to fall?  There’s something thoughtful about the fall, I suppose.  (I wonder how anything ever gets written in Hawaii or in southern California?)  I suppose it’s all part of my cycling. I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about the seizure/ panic attack (whichever) that I had that landed me in the ER.  I even got a free ride in an ambulance- how can you beat that?  I don’t know just what triggered it or just why it happened, but happen it did.  I honestly felt like I was dying, otherwise I would never have the balls to call 911.  It seems so dramatic, you know?

I’ve resolved that I’m going to be more honest with myself in terms of career. I am, I guess, doomed to be a writer.  Right now I’m scraping by, but what I truly need is a full-time occupation. Is the idea of having my own ad agency just that- an idea?  One idea among many such ideas that cross my mind briefly and ultimately go unfulfilled? I am not getting conversant enough with the Adobe software to be a one- man show, and it doesn’t look like there’s any danger of it on the horizon, with my psychiatric drugs doing a tap dance on my memory as they do.  I don’t know just why I’m in school really.  It was initially to learn the trade of graphic design, but I’m beginning to fear that I’m going to be less-than skilled at the discipline. I’m trying, but the interest is simply not entirely there.  I wish it were- I could do wonders with my own ad agency. It’s exciting what the technology can produce, but the process is just so damned boring.  I think I’m going to ask my instructor, an older woman who seems to like me, for some assignments out of class to help sharpen my skills as a designer.  If I can do words and pictures together, I could actually clean up nicely as an adman. Who knows- if I do this something might just click and I’ll suddenly become fluent in Photoshop, Indesign and Illustrator over the course of the next thirteen weeks.  I know the summer overwhelmed me and I concentrated upon writing and didn’t so much as touch any of those programs, so it’s perfectly logical that I would be behind.  Why does technology have to be so damned boring?  I just want to write and design ads, don’t bore me with the details.

In other news, my “jive” relationship to my adult daughter has improved, as well as my equally jive time with my son. I am encouraged by the fact that my adult daughter Jessica is actually talking to me now. It’s very encouraging, actually, as she was totally withdrawn earlier. My son is another story- gregarious and good-natured, I think that this past month I’ve been super dad to him. I took him to two films and did a number of other fun activities that he really enjoyed. He seems to be somewhat like me, which is scary because I don’t want him to inherit my bipolar disorder.  In another way it’s comforting and endearing, especially the way that he drives his mother crazy.  Socially, I’m in a stagnant mode.  My relationship with the Dutch girl has sort of fizzled and a new “relationship” with a bipolar woman in California has developed into a great deal of chat. We’ve even tentatively made some plans to meet next summer and go on a fishing expedition in Canada. Hell, I need a vacation, and will especially by next August, even if it’s with a virtual stranger.