Kids are Back!

I got my kids back and I’m feeling wonderful about it!  I’ve spent a goodly amount of time with my little man and am happy to finally have my daughter back as well. I am still just so-so on summer, though the real sense of panic and crisis has somewhat passed. I wonder when the snow will fly again and I can feel insulated and safe once more.  The panic that I had been having over the huge void that represents for me the season of summer is still there to some degree.  I need the structure of school to keep me occupied and focused on something other than just my illness and my uncertain future.  My future truly is uncertain, and that troubles me on a number of levels. I have been less than energetic lately and have felt the enthusiasm I had once felt for any online “friendships” waning.  I’m pretty sure that I know my capacity for maintaining correspondence and keeping up with friendly activities.  I was recently bitten by a tick and am now in fear of Lyme disease although it was only on me for a very few minutes (they say it takes 24 hours to infect you) .  I think I’m going to approach my GP/ friend  Gene for a course of antibiotics anyway, just to be safe.  That’s all I need in addition to the rest of my problems; a disease on top of it all.  I don’t know why Maryland seems to be so alive with ticks this year, but I’ve found several on the cats, which is unusual.  I am occupying my time with writing , or rather just adding to my novel.  I have things about a quarter of the way done so far, so that’s encouraging anyway.  I wish that my concentration was better so that my prose style matched my aspirations for it. Unfortunately, it seems that I’m just getting “black on white” as they say; filling in the dead areas and moving the plot ahead by means of any old prose at all.  I’m going to send out one of my short stories to a couple of literary mags. It’s a huge step for me, and one that carries with it the distinct possibility of rejection. It’s the one I’m happiest with, so we’ll see just how it will do.  Aside from those projects, I’m just still a bit adrift and feeling a little unsettled.  I am wanting more than anything to get out of my own head and begin to consider other things besides just trying to be “normal”.  I fail at it miserably, so I’m not even sure it’s really worth trying anyway. But at least I do have my kids, and that is serving to distract me from too much unhealthy introspection I think.  Kids have a way of forcing you to be an adult and being attentive.  I’m glad that I have them and I hope that they love me as their dad.  God knows, I certainly don’t want to be like my father and desert them physically and emotionally.  I’m going to at least be there for my kids; whatever my condition.