Feeling Listless and Blue

  I’m at one hell of a low point in my life just now.  Ben is away for nearly two weeks at the same time as Jessica.  I feel like I’m just so empty now.  I am unable to focus upon anything for any extended period of time, so writing, working on stories or the novel is all but out of the question.  My novel is going badly- the story is dragging anyway.  I feel like a body suddenly deprived of breath and my efforts to regain my life are frantic like a breathless body’s.  I need my kids.  I cannot live without them.  I can see that now.  Sometimes it takes some dramatic event, sometimes cataclysmic, to make us see what is truly important.  I’m giving just cursory thoughts to school and anything else at this point; I just want to get my kids to come back to me.   That’s all that seems important.  My relationship with the Dutch girl is ongoing.  We “meet” every day and she describes me as “sweet”.  It’s good to hear, really.  After feeling so beaten about by life, it’s very good to hear.  I think I’m really starting to crash now. I was manic, and now I’m on the downside.  Just my state of being is so weightless and unmoored that I feel I’m in a constant panic.  It’s clear that I’m a winter person; summer is so effortless that it makes you wonder if you exist at all.  I know I exist, but I feel so cut off from others and my own sense of security that I feel nothing but a true, visceral loathing for the season.  Why does it always have to be so suffused with air and light?  Everything seems so big, so unhinged and intractable in the brightness of summer.  I fear it like I fear nothing else. Does no one else feel it?