My good Lord the brightness of summer has no end. I feel I have to shield my eyes every moment I’m outside for all the brightness. (I’m too cheap for good sunglasses and too honest to filch the good pair I saw in the lost & found box at the church my support group meets in- even if they were by Guess and looked great on me.) I love the warmth but I feel like a mole-blinking against the bright light of day. My support group, which meets each Thursday, was unusually explosive this week. Everybody has heavyweight problems which make mine look wimpy in comparison. Everything is confidential, so I can’t honorably get into details, but let’s just say that I am among the fortunate ones, I suppose- not suicidal, solvent for the moment- new Apple Macbook 17 and a car that runs. My energy level has been unusually low lately, though, which is about the only complaint I can make just now. I took what is an unusual step for me in my musings on reaching out to seek socialization. Though the younger- (much younger I should say)- women at school have been receptive to me, even inviting on some levels, I really don’t think that I want to go there. These younger women scare me- they just seem very demanding. I have joined an online social networking group for people with mental illnesses. I know just what you’re thinking; one crazy person in a relationship is enough, right? I was thinking a similar thing while I was filling out the profile information. So far things are going reasonably well, and I’ve met what can only be termed “rich, interesting characters”. (These people are fodder for novels- no doubt about it.) Anyway- it’ll keep life interesting and perhaps I might even make a friend or two- who knows?
My efforts to enroll in the school courses which I had picked have been met with disappointment. The drawing course is full and I’m teetering on the edge of either taking or not taking the design course. If I don’t take it, I will have the whole summer free to read, write and study my Latin and read in French. If I take it- it’ll fulfill an art elective and I’ll very possibly learn something and have some structure in my days. I got high A’s in my courses which just ended, and I somehow don’t want to jinx it by taking something I’m not so hot to pursue, and which wouldn’t necessarily count directly toward my certification. I’m on the fence, but I do have about a week to make up my mind, so we’ll see.
Summer always gives me that feeling of pleasant ennui and quasi-listlessness that always seems to give way to panic. It’s sort of like drowning in air- everything just seems too languid and sedentary after a while and it begins to choke you. My literary efforts are stalled for the moment-I’m still adding to each of the stories bit by bit, and each time I pick them up, I see a new area that’s ripe for revision. Nothing, then, has gone out just yet. The lazy days of summer scare me more than a hundred dark winters; sometimes it makes you feel so light and exposed that you begin to question your very existence.
I don’t know, maybe two crazy brains are better than one because atleast both would understand it.